Anger
“If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. ”
It’s amazing how fragile our egos can be as men. You can be having a great day and then someone says or does the wrong thing and “poof” you’re angry! I remember years ago, I was sitting in a bar having a drink, minding my own business when some guy sits down next to me and starts questioning my masculinity! I got so mad I wanted to throw my wine spritzer in his face but didn’t want to waste a drink and the tiny paper umbrella on that bozo.
I get together with my friends regularly for breakfast and one of the most common points of discussion is how we tend to handle ‘anger’ as men. When do you cross the line from having a legitimate reason for anger to an over-reactive display of bravado? Why is it sometimes easier to respond in a calm and peaceful tone with strangers than with those we are more intimate with? Are “slow burns” of anger worse than sudden outbursts?
Each answer comes with an extensive set of circumstances but studies show that as men, our anger is more abstract such as when we’re cut off in traffic, when objects aren’t working correctly, and with larger social issues that prompt concerns about right and wrong. Whereas women’s anger is likely triggered by their close relationships; they feel let down by family members and friends, or they feel that these people expect too much of them without anything in return. Although men and women can be irritated for these same reasons, as men, our anger reacts quicker to external situations than a women’s anger does.
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with anger, it’s just as necessary as courage, love, compassion, loyalty and other virtues. Anger is part of our survival instincts that responds to perceived threats. It causes our body to release adrenaline, our muscles to tighten, and our heart rate and blood pressure to increase. Our senses might feel more acute and our face and hands can become flushed. However, unless you’re in a life and death situation, its easy to find ourselves over-reacting, therefore weakening the purpose of this virtue if we continually exaggerate with what should be an otherwise rational response.
But as with other character values, they can be exaggerated and become counter-productive. Think about it, you can be overly courageous and fall by the sword for being reckless. You can love so much that it dilutes itself into neglecting your own needs in order to sustain a relationship. You can be so loyal that you become blinded when the principles and standards that deserve your allegiance are no longer there.
So how do we manage our anger? Do we all need extensive therapy? The good news is studies indicate there are really only three ways to respond to moments of outrage.
Expression: The act of conveying your anger ranging from a reasonable, rational discussion to a violent outburst.
Suppression: This is an attempt to hold in your anger and possibly convert it into more constructive behavior. Suppressing anger, however, can cause you to turn your anger inward on yourself or express your anger through passive-aggressive behavior.
Calming down: This is when you control your outward behavior and your internal responses by calming yourself and letting your feelings subside.
As men, our anger can be exaggerated if we lack the ability to handle conflict any other way but by being spontaneous, so we default down the path of least resistance which is unrefined anger, emotion without discipline. Controlling anger is actually very easy. What makes it difficult is when we allow feelings to “feed the fire”.
Next time an occasion arises that makes you angry, ask yourself this; how would you respond if you were being filmed and recorded as evidence of your innocence in a court of law. If you knew there was a higher power you had to answer to then you have found a firm foundation to express your anger the way it was intended; to right a wrong, or to examine your own reactions to make you a better man.