Optimism

“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.”

— George Bernard Shaw, Nobel Prize in Literature (1856-1950)

I have to admit, by nature I’m an optimist. Optimists see the glass half full, pessimists see it half empty, while someone with OCD sees it and says “Hey, who dirtied another glass!” I tend to always see and anticipate the good in others. To the pessimist, I may be foolish for always assuming the best in anyone or in any situation. Don’t know that I could function well in any other kind of world. Throughout my long life I have seen the best and worst in individuals which has led me to believe most people mean well, but in their effort to maintain their own idea of happiness they may be over zealous in protecting themselves from the worst in any one or any thing. 

Here’s a simple test to tell which of the two mental attitudes is your predominant one, when you reach for a rose, do you anticipate the fragrance or the thorn?

I do understand we should have a balance of pessimism and optimism to properly weigh the consequences of our decisions and condition ourselves to avoid being too quick to expect the worst in others or the best in others. I prefer to live in a world where I see the best in any situation rather than the worst because it keeps me in a positive and cheerful mood rather than feeling the doom and gloom of possible things to come. I believe optimism is a gift and has been like a super power that has carried me through the worst moments of my life by allowing me to count on the positive things that others may interpret as not being in touch with my own reality. I look at optimism as a gift because it presents itself during difficult moments to help me focus on the positive things my misfortune can lead me to if I choose to unwrap and use this perfectly-timed present.

We all have a little idealist and cynic in us and we know inherently which one we tend to favor. As optimists, we may even consider our mental attitude as the lesser of the two but that’s only pessimism making its presence known. I think optimist see things differently because by nature they have learned to be more tolerant and hopeful out of necessity. A pessimist may have learned the same way and considers the optimist as not being realistic for failing to prepare for the worst case scenario. Bottom line is we need both types in our lives. If you’re an optimist, you need the pessimist to stay grounded and prepare for the “what if’s” and if you’re a pessimist, you need the optimist to take you to heights you never knew you could achieve.

It’s not just about being hopeful that good things will happen but there is also a confidence, not wishful thinking, in knowing good things CAN happen. Optimists also tend to allow more room for others to make, and learn from their own mistakes. Studies show optimism causes you to expect a brighter future and can be a learned response in any adverse situation.

A number of studies also list the following five benefits of being an optimist:

1. They live longer, up to a decade longer

2. Have better love lives, even when only one partner in the relationship is an optimist

3. Are more successful, outselling pessimistic thinkers by 88%

4. Take fewer sick days and are more likely to rate their symptoms as manageable

5. Bounce back faster and stronger and use failure as fuel to perform even better in the future.

Don’t be too quick to downplay the benefits that come with either of these subjective approaches, even if it conflicts with the outcome you expect. So keep your chin up, yes all of them, and remember this; good times won’t last forever, and neither will the bad times.

Happiness

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”

— Jonathan Saran Foer

We’re all familiar with the phrase “...and they lived happily ever after”. We know that phrase is used at the end of almost every traditional fairy tale we’ve heard. Girl loses her shoe, the Prince forgets what she looks like but finds her by trying on shoes and makes her his Princess. Girl lives with dwarfs, gets permanent narcolepsy and is awakened by a magical kiss are a few examples of happy endings. Yet somehow we believe fairy tale endings should be a given in real life relationships, regardless of the effort we put into achieving that highly sought after epilogue. A comedic approach is the wife says “All I want is a happy marriage!” And the husband responds “Make up your mind, do you want to be happy or married!?” We know in any relationship, the ultimate goal is to be happy. Everyone wants to be “happy”. Yet, either we’re not willing to put the work into creating our own “happily ever after” or we just don’t know how to do it.

Let me preface what I’m about to say with this, I am far from being a marriage expert and from a guy who hit the snooze three times on his alarm this morning, I am not a motivational speaker either. But I believe I have a perspective that will help anyone in a relationship that I heard from a Pastor during the vow renewal ceremony of my sister and brother-in-law’s 25th anniversary. His words still resonate whenever I need to encourage myself, or when sharing this wisdom with anyone who would ask for helpful marriage advice. The Pastor said: “Marriage was never intended for bliss. It was intended for growth. When you grow together, therein you will find your happiness.” Wait, what? You mean I have to continually evaluate my convictions and learn to live outside of my comfortable cocoon? I had my own ideas of dealing with conflict early in my marriage. I would go for a run whenever the wife and I had a quarrel to relieve my stress. But I found myself wearing out at least two pairs of running shoes every month so that wasn’t a justifiable remedy. I look back on some of the things I stubbornly held onto for the sake of “that’s just who I am” and “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” with regret.

I have come to realize my wife’s requests to drop bad habits or unflattering traits haven’t made me any less of a man. On the contrary it has made me an improved version of myself, a better man. There’s a saying that woman could not compete with man’s strength, so God gave her intuition. As much as I may resist, I believe my wife’s intuition could be God’s chisel that breaks away the rough edges I cannot see and ultimately makes our journey towards achieving that happy ending seem much more tangible and within reach. What does this process of growing together look like? I guess the simplest way is to take a step back and let someone grow from their own lapse of judgment and indiscretions. Not every mistake or insensitive remark requires a corrective response or belabored disappointment. Idiosyncrasies and annoying habits were probably already there when you first met, but they were overlooked because you saw so much more to admire about them. I know when I behave badly, being alone with my own conscience convicts me more than someone else’s words ever could. Most times, allowing me to wallow in my own mud is the best response my wife could give to de-escalate the situation.

We know there are an infinite number of ways to pursue happiness and as the saying goes, “How do you eat an elephant?” Sure, salsa would help, but you do it one bite at a time. Every personal or professional quest is just an accumulation of small steps. Growing in a relationship you value has a ripple effect that reaches far beyond your own objectives and happiness. When you’re committed to each other you preach the gospel of true love to others and you bless the lives of those who are loving you.